I don’t know why I listen to them. Or why I let them get me down.
(Just to be clear, the voices I’m referring to are those of self-doubt, self-loathing and self-deprecation. I’m not actually crazy.)
It was these voices that caused me to make a rash decision this weekend and withdraw from my classes.
“You can’t do this.”
But I hate failing at something before it’s even started.
“You don’t deserve this.”
I spent the whole weekend in a major funk. It started on Friday night when I stayed up all night after a concert. I was obviously sleep deprived. I crawled in a hole that I had created for myself. Once I was down, it was really hard getting back up.
“You’re not good enough.”
All of these tiny little voices keep repeating in my head.
“You are not strong enough.”
I’ve actually been through a lot the last 3 years with my dad passing away, taking care of his estate, then having a baby born 16 weeks early and spending four and a half months driving back and forth from the NICU to home to work. I look back and wonder how I made it through. Other people would comment that I was handling it so well. What choice did I have? When you’re in the middle of a crisis, you just power through.
But now I completely understand how Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome happens. It’s not til after the dust has settled, or after the fog has lifted that you are able to look back at the event with open eyes. That’s when the magnitude of the situation hits you. It’s like a delayed reaction.
So why do I listen to these little voices?? Why do I let them get me down??
I am strong.
I do deserve this.
And I know I can do it!!
That’s not to say it won’t be hard. And I know it’s going to take a lot of time. But I’m prepared. I’m ready for the fight.
So today I emailed my professor and called the school. I asked them to reverse the withdrawal; that I’d had a moment of weakness and fully regretted the rash decision, and could they please put me back in the classes.
Good news!! I’m back in.
And I do need to add – none of this would have been possible without my wonderful husband to support me. He was actually the one who signed me up for the classes in the first place. And he’s the one who convinced me that I can do it. <—- so I can blame him when I actually fail, right?!? I’m kidding.
I’m ready. Bring it.